I said I was going to start writing, but then I went and didn’t do it. Well here’s a try for starters. I’m not going to go into everything that’s been going on just yet, but go into depth in just one area.
When talking to my Mom on the phone the other day (the topic doesn’t matter), I came to the realization that I have somehow become afraid of people. Now, I have always been shy in some ways and an introvert. But I think I have recently become afraid of even going out and meeting/talking to people.
I’m not entirely sure why I’ve gotten so frightened of other people. Perhaps I’m still not over the consequences of the breakup that happened almost a year ago. That hurt me pretty badly, but I’m really over it. But my subconscious may still be feeling the effects of getting hurt and of cutting ties with a large number of the people I knew at that time. I still haven’t gained any real life friends since then.
Perhaps my internet lifestyle is isolating me enough from the real world that I’ve just become accustomed to dealing with people over the internet instead of face-to-face. If you get upset with/are rejected by someone on the internet, it doesn’t affect you nearly as much as if it happens in real life. It gives you a sort of emotional cushion, but yet you also connect to people not quite as deeply.
Perhaps this isn’t something new, and is just a re-manifestation of my shy, introverted nature that has dogged me all my life. I’ve always hated having to act outgoing or being around more than 2 or 3 people at once, as I tend to function best in small groups of people. If there are more people around, I just don’t know what to do with myself, who to talk to, or where to go.
I’ve never really allowed myself to get very close with anyone. Part of that is that I never really knew anyone who I really felt like I could be close to, and I think part of it is my nature to put a sort of shell around me to keep myself from getting hurt. My ex was the first person I allowed to get really close to me, to have my real trust, but that trust was broken and I was badly hurt. I say to myself and others that this failed relationship didn’t kill my ability to love, but just killed my ability to love my ex. And I know I could love again, but how will I get close to someone if I’m afraid to even go out and meet people? What do you think of the internet as a way to get to know people before you meet them in person, as a sort of ground breaker, anyways?
Ok, so maybe I’ve had about two close friends in my life. My ex was one, and Ian was another. But even though Ian was a good friend, I don’t think I even opened up completely to him. And with him now being off in Texas and married, things are different.
I really wish I had a friend in real life to be close to. I have a lot of other things going on in my life that I would like to talk about, would like to be accountable about, and I’d just like to have someone to do things with. I love the outdoors, but I find almost no joy in it unless I’m sharing it with someone. I love to watch movies, or go to sports games or concerts, but without someone to go with me, I just have no motive. I can truly see that when man was created, why God didn’t think he should be alone. God may be supposedly able to “fill all your needs”, but he made you with a built-in desire for human friends and companions.
Violets are Red. This is hopefully just the beginning of a renewed look through my eyes, the eyes of someone who sees the world a differently than most people, but who finds himself with jaded eyes just like almost everyone else. If you don’t see a new post in a couple of days, call me on it.
took forever at 2MB/sec over 802.11g, but now it will be fast. 